why is exercise so much easier than eating healthy for me
omg body stop craving things and get some fucking willpower
but i actually love blogilates
My Victorias Secret bathing suit came in. And it’s really gorgeous. But I’m too embarrassed to wear it. I mean, jesus lord I look like a cow in it. And I just want to be able to wear it and feel comfortable. I’ve got 15-20 pounds to lose this summer; I want to be toned, too, not just skinny. I want muscle. So I’m going to start going to one or two classes at the Y every weekday, maybe even three if I can swing it. I’ll get in yoga, pilates, cardio, and muscle training. And I will do EVERYTHING I can to stop binging and keep my calories at 1200 a day or lower.
I swear, by the time I move into my Boston University dorm, I want to be tiny. I want to be the girl that everyone notices.
I’m getting more and more upset with every minute. Two months ago I’d promised myself that I would lost weight for prom. So I could look good with him, not like a fat cow. But yeah, I haven’t lost a single pound. I eat like shit every day still. And then senior week is in a few weeks - hanging out on the beach, in a bikini, every day? I can’t. Everyone will stare at me and gag a little. I’ll gag at my own reflection. I just want to take a pair of scissors and trim off every little inch of fat on my body. I just want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I don’t want anyone to look at me.
I wanted to do the graduation speech so badly. So badly. No one even has an idea how badly I wanted this. It was going to be some sort of proof that I had changed this year; that I was somebody important, not just another face. But no. I don’t get to do the one thing that would have meant the world to me. It’s the pretty girl, the popular girl, who everyone likes and knows and who got an award for her SAT scores and just generally does well in everything. Of course. Not me, the fuckup who became a lot less fucked up this year.
I guess I’ll just continue being nobody.
I just want to go crawl into bed and cry about how unimportant and fat and disgusting and stupid I am. I deserve to just disappear.